Stages of Grief Theory Challenged and the Healing Power of Exercise

This is an abridged version of an interview by Gretchen Rubin with Ruth Davis Konigsberg about her new book The Truth About Grief: The Myth of Its Five Stages and the New Science of Loss.

The Truth About Grief
Ruth Davis Konigsberg

"The book includes many interesting arguments.

For instance, the notion that people generally go through the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) isn't supported by research. 

The Truth About Grief also makes the comforting observation that most people cope with grief more readily than is often portrayed in literature and movies.
 

The full full article can be read at the Happiness Project


The author was asked for her thoughts about:

What's a simple activity that consistently makes her happier?

• Exercise, hands down!!!!

If I can manage to exercise, I always feel better. I'm not saying this to seem virtuous. I have plenty of unhealthy habits most other people have outgrown. But my day is always better if I exercise. It's the best anti-depressant there is.

What's something she knows now about happiness that she didn't know when she was 18 years old?

• I wish I had exercised !!!!
• That dwelling on things usually just makes them worse 
  
  I used to indulge my dark side, especially as a teenager, reading lots of Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton, that kind of thing.

• That rumination, or "the chronic, passive focus on one's negative emotions" contributes to depression by interfering with problem-solving

Most people think that negative emotions have to be expressed in order to heal, especially emotions surrounding loss. The opposite is actually true.Bereaved people who are able to damp down their negative emotions, actually have much better outcomes physically and mentally than people who express their anger and sadness. (So much for catharsis!) Those who are able to conjure happy memories or smile and laugh when talking about the deceased fare even better.   

What repeatedly gets in the way of happiness?

• Remembering your failures and forgetting about your successes (see "rumination," above.)

How does she give herself a happiness boost? activity? 

• When I'm feeling blue, I try to do something just for myself

It could be something really trivial (go to Target, make some homemade soup for the week) Something that's somewhat indulgent but not just lying on the couch. At night, when I really need to recharge my batteries, I retreat to my bedroom with a book and some dark chocolate.

Has she ever been surprised that something she expected would make her very happy, didn't - or vice versa?

• It seems inevitable to be disappointed by things we expect will bring us great happiness. But the flip side is also true.
  Even the worst thing we can imagine eventually passes. we have an innate resilience to help us handle whatever comes our way.

Some Selected Comments on the article:

"I don't exercise much, but when I do it definitely lifts my mood. Probably because exercise is known to release "happy" endorphins. :D"

"Sometimes we can be too hard on ourselves and focus on the things that we haven't accomplished instead of the things that we have."

"Exercise, though hard to always fit in my schedule is the BEST Anti-depressent. I treat my gym membership and trainer fees like a fixed utility bill. It is that important to my overall health and well being"

"I, too, tend to "indulge my dark side" with sad books or movies. I've learned it's okay to be sad from time to time, but getting up and playing with my dog and blasting some feel-good music helps a whole lot faster"

Andante