Forever looking?

'Blue' by Joan via  picfor.me

Sometimes the best way to find what you're looking for is to stop looking

Andante

Makeover Time

Image courtesy Tumblr

 Almost a year ago I began this blog to help me out of a dark place.

Each day I looked forward to posting my personal thoughts and observations about life that I needed to get out of my head, even knowing they might go no further than this blog. I eagerly explored the worlds of fellow bloggers and gained new perspectives on life and love and the world we all share.

I gradually chronicled the journey I have taken over this past nine months seeking to find a place of strength, a place where I am able  to finally relax a little and consider the possibility of a brighter future.

I sense I may be very close to that  place.

To mark my newfound confidence in the future I have given my blog a makeover....new design and a bit more colour. Less Black....but still enough to highlight the wonderful coloured images that people share with me.

I am so thankful to all who helped me reach this point.

Andante

Embracing Uncertainty

Image from Sessa La

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is an excellent article by Everett Bogue from  'Far Beyond the Stars'  about the advantages of embracing the unpredictability and uncertainty in our lives:

"There’s been a lot of uncertainty in my life lately, which has made me think about the ways in which I’ve practiced in order to exist in a state of uncertainty without allowing situations to develop into negative situations.

The world is changing at a rapid pace. I know this because I see how technology is accelerating our cultural evolution with my own eyes. I know because when I look within myself I see how fast my internal sense of being is shifting.

I know because when I look outward I see people who can breathe, and I see those who are locking up in face of change.

The ones who can breathe are thriving. The ones who aren’t trained in embracing change are locking up, shutting down, and turning off.

Our first reaction to uncertainty might not always be the most healthy, or even beneficial. We want to search for security when faced with an overwhelming change, security often looks like a box. We throw ourselves into the box, the idea of what we’re supposed to cherish as ‘being safe’ as a way of protecting ourselves.

The box isn’t protection though, it’s a temporary prison. The change is still going around outside, you’ve just shut down your senses so you can’t feel it anymore.

The box can look like many things. The box can be trying to make plans to get past the fact that you have no idea what will happen. The box can be reacting in anger, jealousy, rage, placing blame on others, the external world, for allegedly causing you harm. The box can be ignoring that there’s any uncertainty at all. The box can be as simple as saying ‘it’s not my job to deal with the situation that’s in front of me.’

The longer you’re in the box, the more it will hurt when you come out.

The reality is that no one is ever causing you harm. The world is fluid, and change is the only constant. When we cling, to an idea, to an expectation, to a person, to a place, we simply end up causing ourselves more suffering.

We’re told by society everywhere, on the TVs, movies, books, etc that we need to control our lives. Everything needs to be in nice, clean, orderly rows. A job is supposed to be a job, a man is supposed to be a man, an email is supposed to be an email, a definition is supposed to be a definition, a marriage is supposed to be forever, and a btw why not go get a house in the suburbs and a two cars for the garage?

That was never our destiny, we know that because when we try those things they don’t feel right. Security makes us tired.

When we cling to the idea of security it makes us want to drink an entire bottle of Jäger and puke on ourselves. Security makes us want to turn off our Internet and throw that glass vase our aunt gave us that we didn’t want against our kitchen wall.

I’m writing this from a place of existing in uncertainty, I know because these days I’m not sure where I’ll be sleeping at night. I jumped on a plane to Seattle, and ended up in Boulder –which ended up being the best last minute decision in my life.

The reality of uncertainty is that it is actually the most rewarding state for humans to exist in. In an uncertain world, days can seem like weeks or months in the space/time continuum. In an uncertain world, ideas come at the speed of light. In an uncertain world, you can put your feet down in any city without a plan and you’ll survive, thrive, and discover the depths in yourself and others.

In a certain world, years can blink past in an instant. For me, the last month or so of uncertainty has felt like one thousand years.

far beyond the stars 

Khalil Gibran

Image source being sought

Khalil Gibran has an excellent text about parents and children:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

T.S. Elliot on Waiting

A  very good friend quoted to me the first line of this poem.

Here is the rest of the verse:

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope

For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love

For love would be love of the wrong thing: there is yet faith

But the faith and the hope and the love are all in the waiting

Wait without thought, for you are not yet ready for thought:

So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

                                                                               T.S. Elliot  Four Quarters, ‘East Coker”,

Wake up, shoes on......Rain, wind or darkness

Wake up, shoes on.  Rain, wind or darkness.

Read more: http://adderworld.ning.com/forum/topics/finding-the-motivation-to?xg_source=activity#ixzz1AXNsxiFG

Stages of Grief Theory Challenged and the Healing Power of Exercise

This is an abridged version of an interview by Gretchen Rubin with Ruth Davis Konigsberg about her new book The Truth About Grief: The Myth of Its Five Stages and the New Science of Loss.

The Truth About Grief
Ruth Davis Konigsberg

"The book includes many interesting arguments.

For instance, the notion that people generally go through the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) isn't supported by research. 

The Truth About Grief also makes the comforting observation that most people cope with grief more readily than is often portrayed in literature and movies.
 

The full full article can be read at the Happiness Project

Countering Stress and Depression - His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Image: Miami New Times

Here is a beautiful article by Dalai Lama from his Facebook Site (published in the Hindustan Times, India, on January 3rd, 2011)

At a fundamental level, as human beings, we are all the same; each one of us aspires to happiness and each one of us does not wish to suffer. This is why, whenever I have the opportunity, I try to draw people's attention to what as members of the human family we have in common and the deeply interconnected nature of our existence and welfare.

Rest

Value rest. It’s not a waste of time. To be honest, It’s the path to healing. I know this. 2011 I intend to live it.

The Simple Steps of Habit Change

The simple steps of habit change: (from zen habits:)

•  Write down your plan.

• Identify your triggers and replacement habits.

• Focus on doing the replacement habits every single time the triggers happen, for about 30 days.

That’s it in a nutshell!

But much more at zenhabits

Such as:

 1. Do just one habit at a time.

 2. Start small.

 3. Do a 30-day Challenge.

 4. Write it down.

 5. Make a plan.

 6. Know your motivations, and be sure they’re strong

 7. Don’t start right away.

 8. Write down all your obstacles

 9. Identify your triggers. 

10. For every single trigger, identify a positive habit you’re going to do instead.

11. Plan a support system.

12. Ask for help

13. Become aware of self-talk

15. Have strategies to defeat the urge.

16. Prepare for the sabotagers. .

17. Talk to yourself.

18. Have a mantra.

19. Use visualization.

20. Have rewards.

21. Take it one urge at a time

22. Not One Puff Ever

23. Get rest.

24. Drink lots of water.

25. Renew your commitment often.

26. Set up public accountability

27. Engineer it so it’s hard to fail. 

28. Avoid some situations where you normally do your old habit

29. If you fail, figure out what went wrong, plan for it, and try again. 

More at zenhabits

Existential Dilemma

ADHD-Don't shedule yourself out of your life

I saved this short excerpt from an article some time ago and thought it useful advice to post here. Unfortunately I have inadvertently lost the source and the author's  details.....My apologies.
"I recently gathered with 80 middle-aged women in New York City for a fun and rewarding day. The event brought laughter, tears, and relief to many of them who finally opened up about a long-held secret. They had spent their lives struggling with organization and low self-esteem at the expense of developing their talents and strengths. While worrying so much about time management and planning, they had scheduled themselves out of their own lives

Adult ADHD and Stress

This is a really good article on Stress and ADHD by  by Jennifer Koretsky that was published in the Fall 2009 issue of ADDitude magazine:

"How to 'Treat' Your Worry.....Why every ADHD treatment plan should include stress-management techniques, and how 'treating my worry' helped me.

Sleep

I NEED to sleep......

What I'd really like now is to curl up in a quite place.....and sleep....just for an hour or two....to refresh

Image from  Trend Coffee

Bird on the Wire

Leonard Cohen

Like a bird on a wire,
like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.

Like a worm on a hook,
like a knight from some old fashioned book
I have saved all my ribbons for thee.

If I....if I have been unkind,
I hope that you can just let it go by.
If I .....if I have been untrue
I hope you know it was never to you.

Like a baby, stillborn,
like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out for me.

But I swear by this song
and by all that I have done wrong
I will make it all up to thee.

I saw a beggar
leaning on his wooden crutch,
he said to me......"You must not ask for so much."
And a pretty woman
leaning in her darkened door,
she cried to me......"Hey, why not ask for more?"

Oh like a bird on the wire,
like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.









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Sometimes......

sayingimages

Live in the present

Image - SayingImages.com

We are what we think

Image- SayingImages.com

This is so true

It is important that we are thinking good thoughts as much as we can. It really makes a difference in how we live our life.How we think about challenges and adversity can determine how much they will affect us.

Have Some Fun Today

            Image:carver art Fashion: maelle bordier            
 Model: Heather Blackstone

 I just love the deep bright colours and playfulness of this photo

50 ways to Cope With Stress

Here's a great screensaver (or in the physical world a fridge door saver) courtesy of we♥it

Andante

Find Stillness

Image: Andante

I love this post from  Leo Babuta's site -Zen Habits 


Follow the link- it may change the way you live
Find stillness to cure the illness

Andante

"Turn  your Resistance into Resilience... your Struggle into Strength"

      

Brief Guide to Life

 Here is a brief set of rules to live by from Zen Habits to attain some more peace in our lives: 

Image- Elena Kalis

less TV, more reading
less shopping, more outdoors
less clutter, more space
less rush, more slowness
less consuming, more creating
less junk, more real food
less busywork, more impact
less driving, more walking
less noise, more solitude
less focus on the future, more on the present 
less work, more play 
less worry, more smiles
breathe

Memory Joggers and Reminders

Memory joggers have become a way of life for me. Without them I'd more than likely forget to do a number of things some of which may be really important.

I'm Sooooo Tired.....zzzzzzzzzzz

I like it at work but I'm so tired today and want to go home and sleep....blissful sleep.

Image by Photobucket -El Filipo

I Need to Slow Read

Image: Steven Errico/Corbis

Being a non reader of books (you know…the old paper ones) I joined a local library book club with the express purpose of forcing myself to front up every month and face public humiliation if I hadn’t read the ‘book of the month’. It was hard…really.. really hard.

And it still is! I mean why am I here blogging instead of reading ‘the Running Man” by Michael Gerard Bauer? The first month of ‘book club’ I got a third of the way through the chosen book( a weird murder mystery about sheep detectives-get my drift?), the second month’s book was good but I only read a few chapters. I secretly returned the book and slipped out before book club meeting started. What a coward !! I have but one week to finish ‘the Running Man’ and man will I be running to finish it!

I've just been reading Sarah Wilson's Sunday Life blog on the pleasures of slow reading. The trouble is that part of our brain just loves digital technology…..all that fast reading, browsing, scanning, linking, blogging and twittering. Traveling the information superhighway is like speeding along a ‘real’ motorway with no speed restrictions, sometimes taking the exit to another motorway and then another and so on without even having to slow down except to grab some fast food.Then it’s back on the motorway.

Image ownership being sought

The trap is this: We all know that If you went on a holiday to Britain for example without leaving a motorway except to take a link to other motorways and read about the towns fleeting by in your glovebox copy of Frommer’s ‘Quick Guide to Britain’, you will never experience the ‘real’ Britain, the villages, the quaint pubs, the stately homes, the people. 

Now with high speed broadband (and better motorway coverage!) we can get you there even quicker….but get you where?…. Yes, if you’re on a business trip or need to get somewhere quickly fast broadband and motorways are both great inventions. But to really live our life we need to take that exit to the little village with the teahouse occasionally…. and even get out of the car and take a stroll to the riverbank and put our feet in the water. Now there’s a nice thought! Readability is a wonderful tool for focusing on what you are reading online



I just get tired of reading after 15 minutes and doze off or lose concentration.

Reading….I mean REAL concentrated reading is a big effort for us scanners.

But when I do manage to sit down and read a REAL PAPER BOOK the rest of the world stops for me. It becomes my ‘ feet in the water’ time …just like meditation….and that’s another story!

Andante

Can Illness be Addictive? (Part 2- What's in it for me?)

Image:Tumbler.com

Could I be subconsciously using illness to escape something I don't want to confront or do?

Has being 'unwell' become a habit, an addiction, a delusion  so convincing I fail to see what others see? Have I ever asked myself why I am so anxious and others are not? Have I convinced myself  that if I lost my illness I would not cope, not be able to live the life I live? Do I find some sort of twisted comfort in being sick? Like someone with an eating disorder who finds avoiding food and controlling the way they look as something within their power...that they can control?

Is the thought of myself not being that guy who's always sleepy, moody, funny, vague, naive, a loner, sensitive and difficult too much for me to deal with? 

Image Ownership being sought

What am I getting out of being the loner, the one who needs to lie down, the one who always says 'no' he's too busy or says 'yes' but never delivers?

Could it be that my illness has in fact become an  addiction? Because addiction includes rewards. In my case could I be using illness as an excuse to avoid things I don't like doing, to spend more time at home doing things I like?

Am I addicted to the close physical sensations of being unwell that somehow  act as a substitute for intimacy with other human beings?

Image Ownership being sought

It is possible that I have have come to think of the feelings as 'me' ....as 'normal'? To suddenly be free of anxiety and depression (a version of sadness) is a little frightening, as a prisoner might experience on his first day out of  gaol . 

Released prisoners often talk of wanting to return to the safety they felt behind bars. I admit I've had similar thoughts that if ever I was given a long gaol sentence for something it would provide a relief from the daily decision making problems of ADD (in fact a large proportion of prison population has ADD). The routine would be comforting and inescapable, giving me plenty of time to hyperfocus on writing my memoirs. 

But seriously.....have I been deluding myself all these years as an excuse to feel 'emotional', eccentric, different, special?

I've said it many times...that I would hate to be 'ordinary.'...

But I never considered the rewards... 

that being 'ordinary' may also mean healthy, happy and content.

Andante

Can Illness be Addictive? (Part 1- A Fable of Courage, Addiction and Shame)

A scene from the BBC TV Series 'The Street'
Image Courtesy BBC

I recently watched an episode of 'The Street', an excellent and intelligent  British drama series about the lives of people living in the modern urban poverty of Manchester, an industrial city in England.

In this episode a betting shop employee, Shay (Stephen Graham) is forced to reassess his life and his alcoholism when he meets Otto, his 16-year-old son with Down's Syndrome, (played by Leon Harrop) for the first time.

Central to the episode was a violent robbery in the local betting shop. Shay ran the shop and worked behind the counter. He was a bit of sad character  and  loner who liked a  drink and a bet and recited Dylan Thomas when he was drunk. 

The other chap, Nick (Jonas Armstrong) was a soldier recently returned from the war in Iraq sporting a facial disfigurement from injuries received in a suicide bomb attack. We knew from previous episodes that his war experiences, his loss of self esteem from his unattractive  facial scarring and the prejudice of the local community since he returned  had left him psychologically  damaged  and  emotionally isolated from other people. He was in the betting shop when the robbery occurred and took cover along with everyone else.

The storyline then followed the life of Shay. When his ex wife arrives at his doorstep and introduces him his intellectually disabled teenage son Otto, whom he had never known about, he initially refuses to acknowledge the lad,  preferring instead to continue spending  his days drinking and betting and thinking only of his own problems.

Although he eventually begins to respond to Otto's persistent and unconditional admiration for him his life becomes more and more dysfunctional as he struggles with feelings of guilt and failure over his inability to cope with fatherhood. Despite a number of attempts to  give up the drink he cannot prevent his descent into alcoholism. 

A defining scene occurs when Otto's mother declares to her son in front of  his father that  "your father loves the grog more than he loves you!"....and Shay says nothing implying his helplessness in the face of addiction.


It was frustrating to witness his daily battle with the warm destructive temptation of grog and watch his good intentions continually overwhelmed by its power. He loses his job after 'borrowing' money from the till and ends up homeless. He is  eventually spotted living under an overpass by the younger sister of Nick ,who, as you will recall, was with him at the betting shop robbery. 

Being a close knit community Nick's mum takes him for a while to help him get his life back together. One night after he began to recover from his addiction they were discussing the nature of bravery and courage. The alcoholic blamed his descent into alcohol addiction on the trauma he experienced during the betting shop robbery. He drank heavily after the incident to hide his fear. Moreover he  attributed  Nick's seemingly better ability to cope with the robbery trauma to his  desensitization following his war experiences.

But the ex soldier denied that he was desensitized and, pointing to the burn scars on his face uttered: 

"The bravest thing I ever did wasn't facing the trauma of war. ........It was  to come back home and walk into the local pub again for the first time with a face like this" 

He continued:

"Bravery isn't measured by how you cope with the initial trauma but by how well you cope with ordinary life afterward"

His response puts into perspective the role of personal choice in how one responds to a traumatic event in their life. Is it possible that such events may subconsciously provide the excuse some people have been waiting for to turn what once might have been an enjoyable but relatively harmless controlled  pastime (such as having a few social drinks or taking a midday nap) into a full- on self indulgent addiction (such as alcoholism or wanting to spend  all day in bed)  that overrides their long held core beliefs and every aspect of their life.

Does this suggest a behavioral abnormality or genetic component?

They may find comfort and normalcy in their drug of choice be it alcohol, heroin, attention seeking behavior, co-dependency sympathy, obsessive love or sex.

It became apparent to Shay that he was showing a lack of courage in 'choosing' his love of grog (the addiction) over his love for his son Otto and family despite his constant attempts to dislodge himself from it. Every day he felt a rush of anticipation of the pleasure he would get from the first exquisite warm sip ignoring thoughts of tomorrow. The dopamine  rush is 'buy now...pay later'...designed to make you immediately happy and not to remind you of the high interest repayments later.

It was likely it was his sense of intense 'shame' at hitting rock bottom that turned him to listen to the voice of recovery. 

'Shame' can be a weapon against self annihilation in that it is a valid and natural human emotion that can challenge one to correct the injustice and hurt that may be behind it.

A sense  of 'shame' urged Shay to finally 'take action' to regain his pride .

'Shame' is often the last lifeline that reconnects us to humanity and  saves  us from the oblivion of self destruction.

'Shame'  creates a  space for honesty and eventually forgiveness.

It eventually became apparent to Shay that his intellectually disabled son  worshipped and loved him more that anything else in the world and that  his  love was unconditional. He was accepted by Otto despite letting him down time and time again.  It was not until his drinking habit almost killed his son that he woke up to the implications of his habit. 

From that point on his sense of 'guilt' or 'shame' finally become a stronger addiction than alcohol and he turned his life around.

BBC 'The Street'

Read Part 2 Here

How to be Alone

Tanya Davis, Poet/Singer/Songwriter

This is a wonderful little video by filmmaker, Andrea Dorfman and poet/singer/songwriter Tanya Davis that will make you giggle to yourself if indeed you are alone.

It has reminded  me to look at single living with different a perspective.

Davis wrote the beautiful poem and performed in the video which Dorfman directed, shot, animated by hand and edited. The video was shot in Halifax, Nova Scotia and was produced by  Bravo! FACT

I have included a link to the video here and in my sidebar.

You can find a written version of Andrea's poem in Andante's Poetry Blog

Film Review - I Am Love (Io Sono L'amore)

Image Courtesy Magnolia Pictures

I love foreign films mainly European.

Just for something a little lighter I thought I'd post a really short movie review occasionally starting with my thoughts about a film I saw tonight:

I Am Love (Io Sono L'amore) by Italian Director Luca Guadagninor.

This film attracted widely varying opinions. It is about a rich Italian business dynasty which begins to disintegrate when a tragedy unfolds within the family. The  Russian born family matriarch Emma (played by Tilda Swinton) is drawn away from her life of tradition and wealth when she falls shamelessly in love with her son's friend.

At first I thought the film to be a little boring but as it developed I became more and more intrigued by the subtlety and contrasts within the film in the settings and musical score. A film truly in the modern Italian genre.

Like 'Stealing Beauty' the film used landscape, art, sounds and food to paint an truly thoughtful and highly intelligent film of modern Italy.

It was a film of such strange contradictions it took great skill to weave together this tapestry of history, love, longing, landscape, grief and family into an impressionistic whole.

I was puzzled by the dark shadowy scene during the credits.

Let yourself languish in this exquisite piece of Italian Cinema.
Here is a link to a teaser:
I am Love (io Sono L'amore) teaser

Andante